Thursday, October 2, 2008

Painful Lesson (Leah)

Okay, so as I mentioned in my last post, I told Old-Phil no for good. It broke my heart. Really really really - it hurt bad. What hurt was how offended he was when I told him it wasn't a good time for me emotionally to date him again. I was more comfortable with the status of friends that we've been the last 6 months - you know, after he told me that he wasn't ready to date me exclusively, and that maybe we should take a break, and that he was dating someone else. Yes - that hurt a lot too - but I accepted it as his right to choose for himself. I came to terms with the hurt and realized that he wasn't hurting me personally - he was just choosing something else that brought him happiness. Since I loved him I wanted him to be happy so I got myself to an emotional state where I was happy for him living his life separate from me. I came to the understanding that I can love someone but not necessarily marry them - I have lots of friends that I love. I respected his decision and supported him the best I could. So... when I told him I wasn't emotionally ready to go back to dating him I thought he could respect that. I thought he could understand a person's right to choose and a person's right to be in a different place emotionally. I was wrong. So now what really hurts me isn't that he and I will never be together for forever, or that we'll never even be friends now, what hurts is that he's going away from our relationship in pain himself. But then I have to tell myself to stop being so self centered. He is again choosing to feel something - an emotion of his own choosing - who am I to tell him how he should feel? If he wants to hurt and be in pain I should honor his choice and give him his space and not take on any responsibility. I told him as kindly and gently as possible that I wasn't ready. What he does with that information is his right. He has his agency. Only Satan believes in taking away agency. Only Satan wants us to feel guilt and misery. Boy, this dating thing is hard every which way you turn. Oh, and by the way, did I mention - I don't want to ever again be involved with a man who pouts and blames and complains and doesn't know how to do any self reflection?


Jules said...

Ugh, agency. I'm sad for your hurt, but thank you for sharing...too often I forget about the nuances of agency, which you've really captured in this post.

The Fishers said...

wow. some things I have never thought of when it comes to break ups and agency... I wish I could have read this when I was younger. It seems like you made a good choice in choosing not to date him again. good luck.