Sunday, October 26, 2008
Have you ever had one of these?(Bridget)
On Wednesday I saw GSE, who is someone that has been a crazy,strong force in my life for 12 years. We went to Indian, which is both of our favorites. We hadn't seen eachother in more than a year. It is complicated. Scully's post "weird dynamic" reminded me a bit of the dynamic GSE and I share. Driving to meet GSE I was aware of the butterflies in my stomach and the ever familiar giddiness I feel when I am driving towards him. I say driving, because even when I am not in a car, I am essentially driving via some emotional,physical,spiritual force towards him. Its a drive that is familiar, but is very confusing to me. My relationship with him has brought many firsts to me. He was the first man that said "I love you" to me and he was the first man that I said it back. He feels like home to me. But its a dysfunctional home. One that maybe I'm used to. One in which one is always chasing and one is always running, and vice versa. Its the moments in which we rest together and sit still for a few moments,synchronized heartbeats, that I justify my continued running. He wants to see me again this week. We have planned to see eachother on Wednesday. Its complicated...the boundaries always get skewed when we see eachother, if there were any boundaries to begin with. He still doesn't know what he wants. He asks me to tell me what's wrong with him. I tell him unapologetically, but it doesn't fix it. Now someone tell me what's wrong with me? And hopefully I can fix it.