I had a Bishop once who explained in his annual morality talk that there are actions that are either definitely black or definitely white. Then there is this big grey area in the middle. He called this the dangerously stupid zone. Over the years I’ve extended this analogy to other areas of life and I realize that I’ve spent a fair amount of time wandering aimlessly in the dangerously stupid zone.
It’s been a few days since Clue and I had our last relationship talk when he asked whether I was emotionally available. I am out of town this week so I’ve had time to process his question. We’ve talked on the phone a few times and have had some great conversations about life, politics and the world we live in. We haven’t talked about my emotional availability, but I know it’s on both of our minds.
Maybe I’m being defensive, but I honestly don’t feel that I am generally emotionally unavailable – I just ended a fairly serious relationship a week before I met Clue, so I think it would be more of a concern if I was ready to jump back into another relationship so soon. I also haven’t been able to determine whether this relationship with Clue hasn’t progressed because I’m not ready or because the “it” factor just isn’t there. There were a few times early on when I considered canceling a date with Clue because I just wasn’t feeling the love, but for some reason (most likely that Cowardice and Avoidance thing), I always kept our dates. So after three months, I feel like we’re progressing…albeit slowly. I will say that I have really missed Clue this week and am anxious to get home on Saturday to see him. And when I do, I am going to be open to Clue and our relationship. I am going to tear down, ignore or crash through those walls. I am going to be open, available and loving. It things don’t click, they don’t click. But I am going to be so ready in case they do.
I do have one complication though…BH is coming to town. I finally told Clue that he was coming and he just asked, “is he coming to see you?” I loved hearing the relief in his voice when I replied no. I did warn him that BH tends to show up at my house a lot when he’s in town. Our lives were pretty intertwined – his car is still at my house and he has stuff in my garage and we need to take care of those kinds of things. I’m also planning on talking to BH when he gets here – we left some things unsaid and I feel the need to just do a bit of tidying up. I was honest and said that I still care about BH and probably always will, but I was totally over him.
I promised Clue there was nothing to worry about, but I could almost hear my Bishop whispering, “you’re entering the dangerously stupid zone…”