Friday, June 13, 2008

planting seeds (marcia)

at the risk of overposting my welcome, I thought I'd write in response to Leah’s posting on “How to Get a Date”. I don’t claim to have any secrets that I can bottle & sell or any great tips, but I did discover something recently. Those seeds you plant sometimes really do take root. They might just take a long time – a really long time to blossom.

For some reason, I’ve always dated a fair amount. I don’t think I’m cuter or more interesting than any other women. I don’t stand out in a crowd, I’m not very good at flirting, I’m not an extrovert (in fact, I don’t like a lot of attention). I guess what I’m saying is take what I say with a grain of salt – I’m no expert.

Clue and I actually met a few times before he asked me out. We first met over a year ago at a small dinner party – he didn’t ask me out then. He said he saw me again at another party last October – we didn’t even talk. Then last February (over a year after we first met) we met again at a speed-dating dinner – and he asked for my number.

Here’s the interesting stuff that you find out after you’re comfortably dating someone for while:

When we met the first time, both of us were dating other people. Because I was dating someone, I wasn’t focused on talking to the men only – I got to know both the men and the women there. I remember talking to Clue and thinking he was nice, good looking, interesting and very tall. I thought we had a good first conversation. I think it helped that I had just returned from an amazing hiking trip to Patagonia and had something fun to talk about. He says he remembers seeing “that look” in my eyes that told him I was interested.

Last October we were both at a party but I don’t remember seeing him there. He said I was in a different part of the room and at one point I looked over his way and he smiled and waved, but I either totally ignored him or didn’t see him (since I don’t remember this, I’m sticking with not seeing him). Anyway, we didn’t talk. What I do remember about that night is I pretty much sat in the same chair the whole evening and talked to different people as they came to me.

Last February at that speed dating dinner, I was sitting down next to Don (aka Don) and saw Clue out of the corner of my eye. Everyone else was standing and chatting – and there Don and I were…sitting down, talking to each other and being a bit anti-social. I didn’t recognize Clue when I first saw him so I was surprised when he seemed to walk directly towards me, sat down next to me and began talking. He re-introduced himself to me and then I not only remembered him, but I also told him some of the things I remembered him telling me about himself when we met a year ago.

In my non-expert opinion, I think it helped that I showed interest in everyone as well as Clue in the first meeting. He remembered that I had gone on some big hiking trip in some far-off land. And finally, whatever “that look” is, (I don’t remember giving him any "looks" – I think I was just genuinely interested in learning about him), it sent the right message. The second time we met (or rather, he saw me), it didn’t help that I just sat in one place the entire evening. I met a few new people and enjoyed myself, but I certainly didn’t put myself outside of my comfort zone. At the third meeting, I think I was just lucky. Lucky that Clue saw me and remembered me (he said he made a bee-line for me when he saw me – I love that!). And it certainly didn’t hurt that I remembered his story from a year ago.

1 comment:

Leah said...

Oh - good point Marcia. It clarifies my point about the "secret power" you have when you're seeing someone. I think when you're not "on the hung" you are more genuine and open to all people. I've always believed that when you socialize you shouldn't only focus on the available men. Being more natural and comfortable is probably the best way to behave in any social situation. You also reinforce my point that to meet people you have to be present. Anyway, thank you for sharing. Your post also reminded me of an old adage I learned in young women goal setting days: "To be interesting you have to be interested."