Tuesday, June 10, 2008

revolving doors (marcia)

In Dickens’ words, this past weekend was the best of times, it was the worst of times. OK, maybe that’s a bit dramatic, but the weekend was filled with many contrasts…highs and lows, sad and happy, confusion and clarity.

Shall we start with the best? Clue. I am simply amazed at what the human heart can do when it is turned on (and I mean that in a purely non-sexual way). It’s been a weekend of discovery and growth. In a nutshell, I think I’m really falling for the guy. I’ll get to the juicy details later, but we spent a lot of time together and really enjoyed it.

In contrast, it was a weekend where I had to grow up and say good-bye to my security relationship with BH. Lest anyone misunderstand, let me explain that BH really is a good guy and not the insensitive, inattentive ex. In fact, his alias “BH” stands for the attribute I love best about him…his Big Heart. He really is a good man who has been a good friend for a very long time. But even the best things in life must sometimes come to an end. It was difficult to explain that I couldn’t be friends with someone who has been such a big part of my life for several years. We’ve shared a lot of great experiences including an amazing Christmas trip last December to an orphanage I am involved with – you just don’t forget stuff like that very easily. I also explained some things that happened in the past that were deeply hurtful to me. Not to place any blame or cast any dark shadows on BH, but just as in any on/off relationship, there were some painful experiences that I felt the need to discuss.

Let’s revert back to the crazy weekend. Clue was perfect, BH was ever-present and the back entrance to my house became a revolving door.

It all started on Saturday morning after I got home from my business trip. I dashed to the gym for a quick workout and mentally calculated both the time BH’s plane landed and the time I anticipated he would be knocking on my door. True to form, he showed up and we chatted and then grabbed a bite to eat. It was more of a catch-up conversation. BH had a first date with an on-liner later that night and I didn’t feel a tinge of jealousy. However, I was a bit surprised when I found out who his date was with. I’ve heard of “Mormon Stew” before, but this was ridiculous. He didn’t know it, but BH was going out with a girl that Clue used to date. BH jokingly said we should double – little did he know, little did he know.

So BH drops me off, I run in the house to change clothes and a little later Clue’s knocking on my door. It just did my heart good to see him. We ended up having dinner and catching a movie which was perfect – a little conversation during dinner and a little hand-holding during the movie. I just put everything else out of my mind and silently chanted “I am emotionally available, I am emotionally available”. I’m not exactly sure of the how or why of it all, but it worked. Clue’s been teaching me about meditation and focusing which is sort of what I did that night. I just focused on enjoying being with Clue and silently repeated my mantra. Deepak Chopra would be proud.

BH came over Sunday morning to report on his disappointing date and I tried to suppress my smile which stemmed more from my enjoyable evening with Clue than his disappointing date…honest! He came to church with me but we parted ways after church as I went to meet Clue again. Clue came with me to a family dinner with siblings, aunts, uncles and cousins and I enjoyed having him there with me. Once again, open and available. Once again, not exactly sure how I did it.

BH was still in town on Monday morning so we went to breakfast and had the talk. We talked about why our relationship didn’t work. I shared some things he had unknowingly done that hurt me. He explained and apologized. All in all, it was a very healthy and for me, healing conversation. I also bid farewell to our friendship. I was sad when he dropped me off – really sad. But when Clue came over later, I knew I had done the right thing.

So Clue and I have definitely turned that corner and we’re on our way. Still not sure where we’re headed, but so far it’s about the journey and not the destination.

1 comment:

Leah said...

I am soooo impressed! Hooray! really you are a strong woman. Way to use mantras and stuff to do hard things. It got me wondering if my close guy friends are too good of friends sometimes.